The Sewing Mom

Dear Diary

24th January 2008

Dear Diary

posted in a little bit of everything |

(received in an email)

A WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.  Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.  I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.  My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.  She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!  Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.  I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.  Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.  This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.  I feel GREAT!!  It’s a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop.  I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.  Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.  Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.  My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.  Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn’t help being a half a hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.  Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.  She sent another skinny witch to find me.  Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.  Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don’t have any triceps!  And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.  The treadmill flung me off, and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.  However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy.  I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

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This entry was posted on Thursday, January 24th, 2008 at 3:46 pm and is filed under a little bit of everything. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

There are currently 19 responses to “Dear Diary”

Why not let us know what you think by adding your own comment! Your opinion is as valid as anyone elses, so come on... let us know what you think.

  1. 1 On January 24th, 2008, mom2fur said:

    Love it!
    Hey…sewing every day is exercise, isn’t it? And you don’t have to deal with anorexics named Belinda!

    mom2fur’s last blog post..Thanks…and girl games

    posted on January 24th, 2008 at 4:03 pm

  2. 2 On January 24th, 2008, Karen said:

    That is so funny!

    Karen’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday

    posted on January 24th, 2008 at 6:28 pm

  3. 3 On January 24th, 2008, lynne said:

    That’s right! I burn calories leaning over the cutting table and ironing seams!

    posted on January 24th, 2008 at 6:34 pm

  4. 4 On January 24th, 2008, Stacy said:

    if you chew gum while sewing ya burn even more!

    Stacy’s last blog post..Movie Time

    posted on January 24th, 2008 at 7:50 pm

  5. 5 On January 24th, 2008, lynne said:

    Stacy! You are too funny! I need to go buy me some gum! We sure do miss you.

    posted on January 24th, 2008 at 8:27 pm

  6. 6 On January 25th, 2008, Dextress said:

    LOL this was damn funny. I am going to blog this with a track back to you Lynn. Will that be OK with you?

    Dextress’s last blog post..Free and still occupied…

    posted on January 25th, 2008 at 1:49 am

  7. 7 On January 25th, 2008, Shereen said:

    Hi, I just wanted to quickly let you know that the only thing you need to do in order to join the Sew Crafty Friday Meme is to post a picture of anything crafty that you have done or are working on, on your blog. Leave one sentence letting them know about the meme over on my blog, with the link to my blog, so that they can join if they want to. Then just go to my blog and leave the link to your post, so we can all come take a look. I hope you are able to participate soon.

    Shereen’s last blog post..Sew Crafty Friday

    posted on January 25th, 2008 at 8:54 am

  8. 8 On January 25th, 2008, lynne said:

    Dextress - Be my guest. I actually received Dear Diary in an email from my niece. I think it’s one of those emails that just keeps getting passed around, but I thought it was funny enough to share here. :-D

    posted on January 25th, 2008 at 10:27 am

  9. 9 On January 25th, 2008, lynne said:

    Shereen! Thanks! I am trying to keep myself motivated with my sewing projects and participating in a meme like yours will help me! :-D

    posted on January 25th, 2008 at 10:28 am

  10. 10 On January 25th, 2008, Mommy the Maid said:

    This cracked me up! I agree with otehr commenters, moving from the cutting table, to the sewing machine, to the ironing board is quite the workout :D
    Mommy the Maid’s last blog post..It’s been an intersting week

    posted on January 25th, 2008 at 11:43 am

  11. 11 On January 25th, 2008, lynne said:

    I agree, moving from one thing to another is definitely counted as exercise in my book! In fact, this morning, I counted vacuuming the entire house as my mode of exercise for the day and skipped the treadmill! :-D

    posted on January 25th, 2008 at 12:22 pm

  12. 12 On January 25th, 2008, Chris said:

    Oh My that was so funny ! I hate exercise w/a passion and now I remember why! Good for you tho to even step inside one of those Gyms… they scare the dickens outta me. XO

    Chris’s last blog post..Tax

    posted on January 25th, 2008 at 2:38 pm

  13. 13 On January 25th, 2008, lynne said:

    Chris - Trust me, I haven’t stepped into a gym in a couple of years now. The last time I did I walked out with a shoulder injury. I never went back except for the day I went in to cancel my membership! :-D

    posted on January 25th, 2008 at 3:36 pm

  14. 14 On January 25th, 2008, valmg said:

    Classic! I had tears in my eyes from laughing.

    posted on January 25th, 2008 at 10:38 pm

  15. 15 On January 26th, 2008, lynne said:

    I know what you mean Val. Usually I just skim over these things, but this one had me glued till the very end and I was laughing so much I just knew I had to post it to share. Glad you enjoyed it! :-D

    posted on January 26th, 2008 at 12:46 am

  16. 16 On January 27th, 2008, fatiah said:

    LOL. Confirm - I am normal. You are so funny that I couldn’t help laughing.Hope that witch, Belinda don’t read your post or you will not be spared.

    posted on January 27th, 2008 at 9:19 am

  17. 17 On January 27th, 2008, lynne said:

    Fatiah - I don’t care if I never go to a gym again! I’m doing my workouts at home. I find I can burn a lot of calories in my sewing room!

    posted on January 27th, 2008 at 10:23 am

  18. 18 On February 29th, 2008, Jenny Diamond said:

    Haha great story! I always find that trainers don’t put enough time into the psychology of the first few workout weeks - dealing with the pain, dealing with the soreness, dealing with the commitment… I find the best trainers are the ones that offer private businesses that have an agreement to use a gym’s facilities, and not trainers hired BY the gym. That’s obviously not the case for all trainers, but generally, that’s what I’ve noticed. Really running their own personal business that they envision, they usually put more into making sure their clients stay repeat clients, more than someone just working a job.

    That being said, I’ve given up on the gym. I realized that for all its conveniences, I loathe it. I blocked out a lot of my negative feelings for a long time, but eventually had enough, and realized that there have got to be other options for getting in shape. I dunno, some girls are gym bunnies and just love it - I am just not one of them. I actually got lucky and found a martial arts instructor, and I love it! That’s not for everyone either, but my point is that with all the activities out there, if you’re not the gym type, then make the effort to find something else.

    Ok I’m rambling! Thanks for the laugh!

    posted on February 29th, 2008 at 11:15 am

  19. 19 On February 29th, 2008, lynne said:

    Glad I could bring some humor into your day! I loathe the gym myself and have taken to working out at home. I burn a lot of calories doing PS2 DDR with my daughter!

    posted on February 29th, 2008 at 1:49 pm

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